We don't exist in existence, we exist in non-existence
A journal entry of next steps for Octavian...
I’ve been dragging my feet on next steps for a while and I think it’s starting to click. Even though I’ve felt guilty with not figuring it out sooner after quitting my job, or not just jumping into my new life, I’m pretty happy with the turn out.
While reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and doom scrolling on Instagram (albeit with some positive content), I had some ideas crystallize for me.
Even though I’ve been low key these past couple of weeks, the reality is that I’ve been miserable for decades. I thought maybe 2 decades, and then in reality, probably since I was a kid. And then the next thing that crossed my mind is this time that I’ve carved out for myself to ‘see how it goes’ without a 9-5… it’s around 2-3 years.
If I think critically about my feelings of being miserable, in the educational system, work, and what not, I can round that off to about 24 years. The thing that crossed my mind is what if I stop being miserable for an eighth of the time I’ve been miserable?
The reason this thought emerged is because I’ve been questioning the meaning of life, but also mulling over how much we live according to patterns and coding given to us by society. What would it look like if we stopped following that code?
As a mere example, I didn’t use Instagram for over half a decade - despite any possible ‘social downside’ it may have brought. In June I started using it again, and without any obligations (no work, no school, no family obligations, zilch), I just used Instagram more and more. That programming is not coincidental. Someone created that entire experience to be captivating, engaging, addictive, and keeping you running on a treadmill that takes slightly more than it gives. Even knowing this, I willingly got on the treadmill.
When you think about how fascinating that is - that someone was able to create a little version of reality for billions of people around the world, through the vision and the execution, you started to appreciate what it means to program yourself.
On this note, if you haven’t heard of High Agency, I highly recommend this article from highagency.com. I read it months ago and I think it’s time for me to read it again, and eventually build a habit out of it.
Back on the topic of this article though… Imagine if for just 1/8th of the time I’ve been miserable, doing what others expected me to do, or what I thought would be best according to the programming, or what felt most comfortable, I did the exact opposite.
Now here is the interesting thing… if I was a teenager or a young adult I would have probably told you I would love to be able to work for myself, impact others positively, achieve ambitious goals in sports, invest wisely, and so forth. The possibility of getting to the point where I could travel the world without someone breathing over my neck would excite me. It gave me something to work towards.
Now that I’m here, I suppose as I’ve been reading about the ego, I have nothing to grip onto. The old ego of desiring freedom is gone, as I have freedom. Yet the misery remains.
That doesn’t make sense. If the misery has been programmed in as a default then that’s a problem. I don’t care if it comes back after 3 years, but for all intents and purposes I intended to eradicate misery for an 1/8th of the time I have generally lived with life’s general stress over literally anything: not eating healthy enough, not advancing in my career, not finding a like minded girlfriend, not reading more, not writing more, not creating art, not traveling and being present, not doing yoga, not journaling, not learning more languages, not connecting with other people that have similar goals and values, and so forth.
On another note, yesterday, on 7/19/2026 I bet on Argentina winning the world cup. First I bet $24, with a max payout of $52, then I bet another $6, then I bet another $4. Even though the chances kept going down, a player was taken out of the game on the Argentinian game, and things were looking dire. I originally bet because I wanted the game to feel more real (I love Argentina but haven’t watched more than a few hours of football in the past decade). Then I bet a little more, and then a little more. I could have sold to get half my principle back, but chose to stay in the game…
I haven’t bet since probably a decade ago, and I don’t intend to bet anymore. However, this was a stark reminder of how when you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. How much is my time and effort worth? $50 an hour? $100 an hour? $1000? The monetary amount can be worth anything depending on the final outcome, which would be my own contentedness and satisfaction. It can even be priceless.
So to waste away on Instagram with some dopamine hits? Even if it’s comedic videos of climbers or some uplifting sports history… the investment doesn’t seem worth the outcome. And the more you get back, a little hit of dopamine, seeing that yes your bet is now worth $2 more than the $34 you invested and yes you can sell, but why sell since you’re now more convinced than ever that it is worth it… well that’s how the sunk cost fallacy works.
Sunk costs are exactly what I’ve paid in doing what was expected of me. Some of it was inevitable. Being an immigrant means that you have to eat shit sometimes and grin through it (or something like that if I remember what my dad said at some point).
Another thing my dad said is a road is a road, and the only road to success is perseverance. I guess what I’m trying to say is if I had to eat shit to get here, it would be stupid to give up half way through the race.
As it relates to races, something that crossed my mind while swimming a week or two ago is that being is like swimming. In the sense that the ripples in the water only move outwards from you as you swim. Behind you there’s a lot of waves, ripples, and so forth, but ahead of you it’s completely still. The froth we fight is typically our own and it’s best to forge ahead. I thought, as I swam, life’s like that - the water’s still ahead but it seems way different in the heat of the stroke. Ultimately, there’s a freedom in making the waves.
On a tangential note, I saw a video of a sailor who said something along the lines of other people are echoes of our own self. In the sense that the conversations and connections you make with others are echoes of who you are, that you can think back to and appreciate as you live your life. I suppose the ripples are like that. Some ripples cause froth, some feedback noise, and other ripples cause buoyancy and forward momentum. The inherent skill in swimming is not flailing about in a way that would cause a feedback loop that blows the speaker.
I suppose you can drown in anything. Doubts, information, ignorance, what have you.
I’ve been static for far too long that if I stay put I’m going to sink straight down. At the very least, floating requires some dynamic movement, and achieving your goal head on requires coordination, coaching, and perseverance.
What I want out of these next 3 years is the freedom that I don’t need to work ever again for a company or person, on something that is not aligned with my values, my standard of quality, and that does not excite me. Life is too short for that.
I also want to achieve some ludicrous athletic ability, like climbing a V8 or something along those lines. Whatever calisthenics, yoga, or flexibility outcomes that come with that are great, but if I had to throw something ambitious out there it would be a V8 as I can barely climb 50% of V4s I encounter even if I am in a good shape.
Besides the personal freedom and physical capabilities which keep this machine called the human body, and the human spirit, alive and well, I want to be part of a like minded community. This community of friends and partners (business partners, life partner) will be helping people, animals, and the environment. And if they aren’t big on one or the other, they certainly won’t be a big detractor towards one or the other.
I will advance my capabilities in software engineering, building companies, and making a positive impact. As part of my personal progress, I will become a pioneer in developing a new field - but the result is not going to be as beneficial to me as the becoming. The becoming, for myself, and this field, will never be fully complete.
I might even master the mathematics that have eluded me most of my life. Having never gotten to a Calculus left of understanding of math is a real downer for me. If I would achieve that in a 3 year time span, to be at the point of Multivariable Calculus, it would be unbelievable amongst all the other changes I am tackling. Never the less, I will make progress towards this - even if it’s 50% or 30%. It will be palatable.
I’ve spent most of my life in my head, so I don’t want to over rely on any heady goals. Never the less, I do want to incorporate at least a retreat or two into my life. Quiet, peace, nothingness. More than any external connection I can form, be it in connecting with an audience to succeed in a business endeavor, meeting a life partner, connecting with a new culture, or what have you, the best connection to be made is with my own heart. For that I need some reserved time for me to simply be.
On an unrelated note, back tracking to the Instagram thing, I was consuming a lot of short form content even before the past month and a half. I had dozens of tabs open with YouTube videos I might watch, for months at a time, ranging from business videos to travel videos. Just opening YouTube to find a music track could send me on a 5 minute rabbit hole of YouTube shorts.
Despite all of this, I worked 80 hour weeks last fall for weeks at a time despite learning Spanish for about an hour each day and going to the climbing gym 2-3 times a week. I maximized my efficiency as much as I could, and for a time was performing well (not in a multi-tasking performative sense where nothing actually gets accomplished and you look busier than what you are actually achieving). But that really burned me out. Working so much, without actually moving the needle on personal matters (like actually getting better at climbing, or closing the bridge between having a workable Spanish capability and mastering the language), isn’t conducive to living the life I want to live.
Through the myriad of reels and posts I’ve been scrolling through, I’ve seen something related to the nervous system and how numbing yourself to negative experiences can cause you to become numb to positive experiences as well. This is precisely why I am going to rewrite my history for the next 3 years. No more of the same on repeat.
I am NOT working towards the freedom to have these 3 years. I am NOT in a position to feel guilty for not pursuing a master’s, or for not applying to some job that could pay XY% more than my last job. I’m in it for the WXYZ% growth in the next 3 years. There is no relationship, no job, no obligation holding me from reading a book every week, from practicing math, from building a successful business that actually helps others, and from having all the peace of mind I deserve to have in the process.
I consider that I’ve paid my ticket already. If I sit with my hands in my lap while this opportunity passes me by, I will be depressed, unhappy, unmotivated, and quite frankly it would likely destroy my confidence for the rest of my life.
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but after having toughed so many things out in my life this is the moment to relax. I’ve run a marathon, I’ve meditated in the freezing cold on the side of the street after running just because, I’ve chanted until my consciousness melded with the supreme, I’ve hurt myself parkouring to the point I couldn’t move my leg out of the car without lifting it with my arms, and yet I’ve also forgotten about yoga and chanting and mediating. The same aerial yoga I used to do on a yoga swing, which I developed methods to heal myself with, is something I haven’t done in ages. Nowadays I’m more prone to injure myself by not stretching before climbing (like I never did when running, which led to me not continuing after running a marathon), than I am to invent novel ways to heal myself (which others may or may have not already discovered). I’ve changed my diet again and again, to become healthier and more mindful of what I put in my body. I’ve come to fascinating personal discoveries on the state of the metaphysical reality we live in. At one point, I started speaking Spanish in Mexico without ever having studied the language. I’ve immigrated to a new continent as a child, and in the process learned a bunch of fun accents from all over the world and developed a love for learning new languages. I’ve survived accidents, and swam, ran, walked, and climbed my way to where I am.
If none of that is success, I’ll be damned if it’s not the making of success.
And don’t even get me started on this whole ego & the divine business. I’m tired of flipping between ‘is this expression of self in alignment with my higher self’? I don’t have time for that. That’s the time of over thinking I don’t want to entertain in the next three years.
One of the thing that comes to mind, to better explain what I’m referring to, is that as I dieted to lose weight I started to see what health is really about. Tracking calories might be the first step to understanding that you have a problem. If you’re 164 pounds, want to be better at climbing, and your back hurts from the extra weight, and your goal is to be 135 pounds; then it would probably help to know you’re eating 2500 calories when you should really be eating 2100 and working your way down to 1800 until you hit the phase for maintenance. But then you start to learn in the process about macros - you can’t just eat a bunch of carbs or fat without protein, or a bunch of protein and fat but leave out the carbs. Then you perfect your macros, but you learn about biology and your own body - how some things cause inflammation, how your food should be as close to the source as possible without additives and processing.
As you go down the rabbit hole of bettering yourself, you realize it’s not just about what the calories, macros, and measurements say. It doesn’t matter if your body fat percentage or your muscle mass is in the top fifth percentile of people your age in your country, if you have a lack of energy or have poor sleep. Then you start to work on eating food that nourishes you in the manner you need for energy, for your emotional well being, and you start to look into ways to improve your mental well being. Because a healthy lifestyle is only going to last as long as your ability to be content and to self regulate in the process.
With consciousness, it’s harder to know when you’re over-focused on ‘calories’ and not focusing on the ‘macros.’ But let’s be real. You’re probably not going to figure out whether you re-incarnate, whether you go to heaven, or whether you will be able to achieve a nirvana that goes beyond any of these. I offer this solely as an example. If you think about doing good deeds so your family or church is proud, about doing good deeds so your karma is rewarded, or about possibly letting go of the desire for creating good or bad karma so that you get closer to what is needed for a complete ascension into some nirvana like state… you’re probably doing it wrong. For someone that can overthink a lot like myself, even the subconscious programming of these belief systems is sufficient to interject differences in outcome and actions; and I’m not talking about positive ones. For me it can be easy for existential problems to serve as an anchor back to the most existential questions that can result in existential dread, a dark night of the soul, and so forth.
If I do good and I go to heaven, so be it. If I do good and I get re-incarnated in a better place, great. If I somehow do so well, in my current state that is interwoven with the modern world and far away from a monastery, but somehow still achieve extreme balance and wisdom to the point where I get myself 99% of the way to nirvana, excellent. But I’m not going to bet my work on any of that.
The next 3 years has nothing to do with that. I’m just barely starting to see the benefit of the cost of the effort I’ve made up until this point. Speaking realistically, from my own evolution standpoint, I am in the householder phase. After reading Jain materials on what it’s like at the end of one’s life, I am convinced sincerely that I am not ready for that. What hubris would I need in order to jump ahead to the stage of unwinding my worldly attachments and readying myself for the next phase in the human experience?
Sure, there are plenty of people that become monks. If I’m not mistaken, a president of India was a monk for decades before re-entering regular life and becoming a politician. There’s countless founders that have done the same thing. Others, like Jack Dorsey, make sure to check into silent retreats and are basically toeing the line between the day to day life and the life of someone in tune with not just themselves, but the universe. As it stands, I’m more comfortable with assuming the latter arrangement with my inner-knowing. Not for the benefit of day to day matters, not even for the benefit of being more effective at making a positive impact in the lives of others and the planet, but for the benefit of being.
Today, while reading a book I had a koan like thought emerge: we don’t exist in existence, we exist in non-existence.
It’s that koan that sums up everything I’ve written here more succinctly and better than I could.
I’ve been writing for over an hour at this point and am going to let this sink in for you and for myself: